I had a dream last night, about Paul again. It was so totally normal run-of-the-mill type stuff that when I woke up, I was convinced that it had actually happened.

There was nothing to it really - me and Mark went shopping and Paul was in the supermarket! I was pushing the trolley around and he was standing by some tins or something and he turned round, looked at me, gave that grin of his and said "Alright Son". I just stared at him and then pushed my trolley off at double-speed, wandered around for 5 minutes while my heart calmed down and then went back to the car with Mark trailing after me going "Who was that? What's wrong?".

Why have I started thinking about him so much over the past couple of months. I've had two dreams about him now, whereas I don't remember dreaming about him at all before that - in 12 years!!!!!

Maybe it's just because I'm not altogether fundamentally happy in THIS relationship that I'm sub-conciously fantasising about a relationship that DID make me feel good - no matter what the outcome was at the time.

Hey - that was deep!! See, I SHOULD have stuck at that Psychology A Level!

This wasn't what I was going to write about. It's weird how I wander around doing things and thinking 'Oooo, I can put that in my diary' and 'I'll have to remember about this to write about' and then I sit down at this keyboard and it goes flying out the window and I never get around to writing the things that I planned.

It's a good job I never allow myself to do a 'stream of consciousness' type thing. I was trying to explain to L one day at work how my mind works, and how I never seem to be able to switch off from things. I really do feel that my mind works in bizarre ways and all my thoughts, although apparently random, do actually have tenuous links. So, because I couldn't explain it to her very well, she told me to give me a running commentary in my thinking for a day - whatever I happened to be thinking, I had to say out loud for about 4 hours I think it was!

I think I'm lucky she stayed my friend!! Hee hee!

I think this is also a reason that I don't sleep very well - I find impossible to 'blank my brain' so to speak - Mark does it very easily, mainly (we agree) that he doesn't start off with too much in there in the first place. Mark is a creature of basic needs, wants and dreams.....he doesn't have a job that he has to pay any thought to once he's away from it, there is no way he can bring work home with him, he only has a very small number of friends that he is concerned about and he doesn't spend any time at all worrying about anything that he doesn't feel directly concerns him.

It sounds a great life to me and one that I am probably envious of in some ways. Mark goes to sleep in about 3 minutes flat. And snores.

This was meant to be an account of L's birthday etc and has once again turned into an analysis of my own feelings and stuff. I am SO self-centred, but I guess that's what this diary is for mainly - to worry about me and what concerns me, as I don't tend to dwell on the subject 'in real life'.

Hmmmmm.....anyway thanks to these guys for the messages - it's great to get people signing your guestbook...it's like a feeling of acceptance at the very least. And being part of the great community that IS Diaryland!!

Yay D-Land!