I haven't even wanted to write about all this. In fact I still don't, but I know that soon I will want to read how I felt, so I need to put it down somewhere, but I don't think I'm quite ready, so I'm just going to give myself the general gist of it all.

I didn't meet Trainer on Tuesday night. I am SO gutted. I had been so nervous that I'd even been sick. Yeah, I know, very attractive of me........I get that way sometimes.

Anyway, he rang me up in the evening, he'd got called into work as there was something big going down that he had to help sort out....I could hear it all kicking off in the background. he rang me a few times during the night but it didn't all come to an end til almost 1am, which was too late for anything really.

I felt so let down. I know it wasn't his fault, but I really had been worked up about it. So I lay in bed, wishing it had all been different and wondering when I was ever going to get to see him.

Now I realise that I'm probably not.

On Monday AND Tuesday, at some point during the day, I got an online message, supposedly from him just saying "Who is this?". Which kinda made me realise it wasn't him, but someone using his ID. Yep, his girlfriend has rumbled it.

I can't say I'm surprised as girls can generally sniff a mile off whether their man is up to something or not. There ahave been all the signs there....secret phone calls, texts all the time, talking online for ages.......just that the difference is that we've never met!!

Anyway - yesterday he came online and well, this is the conversation:

Session Start (MSN � Me: Trainer): Wed Feb 19 10:54:29 2003

Trainer: hi

Me: hi

Trainer: what you up to

Me: not a lot

Trainer: your not saying much

Me: erm, no, lol

Trainer: who is this

Me: who are you?

Trainer: i asked 1st

Trainer: this is G

Me: G who?

Trainer: i think you know who i am

Me: you reckon? when did you talk to me then?

Trainer: r u fucking my bf

Me: what???

Trainer: r u fucking my man

Me: Sorry, I thought you was a bloke when you said your name was G

Me: are you gay?

Trainer: dont play games , stay away from my man

Me: erm, yeah right, no probs, i have no idea what you're talking about

Session Close (Trainer): Wed Feb 19 11:03:35 2003

And no, I haven't heard from him yet......and it's eating me up.