I thought it was about time I wrote........I'm sorry to all of those who have felt compelled to ring / email / message me as you've been worried. I'm OK and I really appreciate your concern.

Trainer.

It breaks my heart to know that I'm never going to talk to him again, but I am better now than I was this time yesterday. I sat down and logically thought about everything that his girlfriend would be likely to do, and decided that the best course of action would be to leave him be. The only problem with that is that you don't get 'closure'. And I have learnt over the years how important this is.

So I waited until yesterday afternoon and rang when I assumed she would be at work. i had rehearsed a whole alibi for who I was ringing, just in case she answered the phone. But she didn't, Trainer did, and he was at work, and could speak. She had done EVERYTHING that I thought she would.

She had kicked him out of bed after I'd spoken to her on Wednesday and laid into him. She had made him delete all my contact details off MSN and off his phone (so he couldn't have rung / texted me even if he wanted to). She had made him swap phones with her for 3 days, watched him like a hawk, and not let him take a phone out of the house. She had made him promise so much to her, and I know he has every intention of keeping his promises, although he did start laughing about half hour into the conversation and said "I'm not s'posed to be talking to you!". But I said that this was it, and he wouldn't talk to me again after this, so it wasn't real!

Just talking to him made the weight lift from my shoulders that had been pushign me down up until that moment. even though the outcome was still the same (I'll never speak to him again), I knew that (a) he was really sorry to have hurt me (b) even though we never met, he really cares about me (c) we DO get on so well, and if things had been different (d) he doesn't blame me for what happened.

I think the last point was very important for me to know - it's not soemthing I asked him, he just kept tellign me how sorry he was to put me through it all etc etc. He was genuinely interested in what I'd been up to, he was worried that I'd had such a shitty week, he was a mate.........he made me feel happier again.

I put the phone down and cried briefly, but afterwards, I felt so much stronger - as I said, closure! So now I get on.

There was much more said, but it's quite painful at the moment and i can feel the waterworks springing as I'm writing this, which is why I haven't written at all up until now!

Thank you so much to all my friends who have put so much effort into helping me through me being a stupid bloody girlie over this, especially to MFG, MLNDN, Lorna and Jules. Also, as I said, thanks for all your worried messages and calls. I'm honestly fine........just got a lot of stresses at the moment and this is one I probably could / should have done without.

And hey, one of my concerned buddies actually got the 10,000th hit that I forgot to congratulate her for!!!! :)

I also want to apologise to everyone on my buddylist - I haven't been reading any diaries at all over the past week or so, wallowing in self-pity doesn't suite me though, so I'll be back on track very very soon!!! xxx