It's now been a few days since I last wrote, and I must admit to having an absolutely fantastic night out on Saturday night with my crowd of 'nettie mates' up in Birmingham. I think there were about 70-80 of us, and I've just realised that there were a whole load of people there that I didn't even see!!!!

I had a fantastic night and although I could have 'pulled', I refrained, which was good! :)

I got very very very drunk though, mainly to try and forget the events of the past week I think. I needed a release from it all in my mind, but it didn't really work. I spoke to Oink briefly just before midnight from the club, and had quite a surreal conversation with him, which is nothing new I guess.

I spoke to The Fox in the morning, which was cool, as we'd both been out the night before. But then he started mentioning things about me missing the sex and stuff and I just felt really awkward and like a total bitch, so I went. We texted most of the day though.

Later on in the morning, I got a text from Oink telling me that he was seeing his ex later and that we'd talk soon. i had no idea what I felt about that at all. Nothing. I couldn't work out if it bothered me that he was seeing her cos I wanted him to see me like that or (and more likely) that it bothered me cos I know that she just fucks him around. And I care about him, so I don't want him to get hurt. Anyway, so THAT pissed me off. It also meant that I didn't contact him all day as I knew he would be with her at some stage.

Me & The Fox decided to see if we could manage to go back to being shag-buddies. It didn't work. It didn't work quite dramatically actually. Although I was drunk when he turned up (I had been drinking with my cousin), I felt really awkward and didn't know how to act around him, and he was exactly the same. We both felt that we had to try and hide the feelings we have for each other, and that just didn't sit easy for either of us. OK, so the sex was good, but it wasn't fantastic like it has been for the past few weeks. Both of us were holding back too much and it was affecting us badly.

So.......with me & The Fox, it is definitely a case of all or nothing. I love him, but I'm not sure whether it's enough as I can't stop my roving eye searching out more, and I don't do the 'being unfaithful' thing, and the last thing in the world I would want to do is hurt ghim as I care so much about him. Maybe it's just the wrong time. Maybe I'm just scared (which is what he thinks!). Whatever it is, it's wrong for me to drag him along with it, when I'm not in it whole-heartedly, so, for those reasons, I've chosen 'nothing'. He wants it to be 'all'!

I feel so fucking awful about the whole thing that I just want to curl up into a little ball and make the big nasty world go away. The trouble is, when I picture myself doing that, I picture him holding me...........I don't know what that means, whether it even means anything at all.

I've got a week off and there are so many thngs I'm supposed to be doing, and I don't want to do any of them, cos (a) they just really don't interest me and (b) what's the point? I'm meant to be going to Brighton today, to see a friend and also to meet a guy I've been chatting to. I don't think I'm going to go.

I'm meant to be going to the pics tomorrow night with a couple of mates, but have been trying to think of an excuse not to go.

I really need to get my head sorted about everything really before I can get on as normal.

I sound like I'm being a manic depressive, and I'm not really.......I AM still laughing and joking and stuff, I just need to sort my head out cos it's hurting! Hmmm - and add my heart to that an' all!