I am soooooooooooo nervous! I can't believe it - maybe this is the main reason why I don't 'do' proper dating. All this pre-arranged stuff is SUCH a build-up! I way prefer the instant animal attraction, hey, you're cute let's get it on type thing. Or the spontaneous, sod it, just come round now thing!

I have had tomorrow night arranged with The Dutchman for almost a week now and the time seems to have draaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagged!!! There have been so many tims when I've thought "He's going to cancel, he's going to cancel" and then he'll ring me (as he does near enough every night) and my faith will be restored. I think I'm rather insecure like that - I always think the same when I dont hear from K (which I didn't over the weekend) and then I'll get a really sweet email from him (just like I did today) and it'll feel really reassuring and I'll get this rush of euphoria.

I've been trying to work out why I feel so insecure. Since having the munchkin, I have had no confidence in my looks, my body or even my personality much of the time - I feel (and think I look) like a boring, old, dowdy married mum. I don't REALLY see why guys would be interested in me, so I get a bit confused and think they're lying to me when they say they are.

It doesn't help that C didn't ring at the weekend again (what a shocker THAT is!), and I'm torn between wanting to go round and kick the shit out of him, wanting to go round there and shag the hell out of him or never talk to him again!

K is away for a week now, but I'm happy that I got an email from him, especially as he ended it by saying that he'll miss me. That's a first - it's the only VAGUELY soppy comment he's ever mailed me. Which put a grin on my face for quite a while today (yeah, I know, I'm easily pleased - it goes together with the insecurity - LOL).

Soooooooooo, The Dutchman rung tonight and we had a good chat and he told me how much he's looking forward to tomorrow night, and I told him that I felt quite apprehensive, and he said that was a bad word as it was quite negative. So I agreed and changed it to nervous! He told me not to be - but then he WOULD say that, wouldn't he - heh heh.

So, comments I would like today - should I wear my new tarty red satin underwear tomorrow night or not??? ;)