And no, this isn't some kind of veiled reference to The Dutchman, C, or Stoke Boy - I actually mean it literally!! I was on the phone last night (yeah, OK it was to The Dutchman), and I got my jacket potato out of the oven - WITH my oven-gloves on I hasten to add - but the bastard thing burnt me!! Even THROUGH my oven-gloves, which is just not on. So now, it is actually quite painful to type as I have blisters on the tips of my fingers. Ouch!!!

So - last night, I didn't see The Dutchman, BUT I was wrong yesterday! C DIDN'T blow me out!!!!!! Woohoo!!! I got to see him (in all his glory) and it was really lovely. We had a good laugh, and discussed the fact that he'd made 'an arrangement' with me and actually stuck to it. I told him I was very proud of him and hoped that it hadn't been TOO scary. He said he was impressed, and then got a bit more serious, asked me if this was progress? A step in the right direction? I told him it all depended where it was that he wanted to end up!!

Later on, after we'd shagged, he was talking about something and said something about 'having sex' and then looked at me and said 'or 'making lurve' if you prefer' and I just laughed at him, but even that made me feel a bit tingly.

Yeah, OK, so I love him. I know I do. Part of me always has. He's my mate after all, I feel very close to him. I don't know whether I love him in 'that' way but I know that he means a hell of a lot to me and I can't imagine him not being part of my life.

I often wonder (as I did in the car on the way home), what will happen when I do actually meet a guy who is willing to take things further with me - take me on board as a girlfriend, and everything that comes with it, including the munchkin. Of course, I knwo I've met guys like this, but they're not guys I want! So what is going to happen when I meet one like that who I do actually feel the same for? What's going to happen with C? Will I be able to just let him go? Would he want me to? Would he stay my mate? the thought of never waking up in his arms again, never kissing me, never laughing at something I've said, with that great big grin on his face, never calling me by my surname (maiden one!), well that just feels so wrong and I would miss him so much.

I think I just want the unattainable or something. I can make do with the fantastic sex in the mean time though!! Ha ha ha!!

No 'boy cruising' for me today though - staying in a hotel tonight with my favourite gay....so unless we pick up a bi-boy in Old Compton Stret or something - ha ha ha ha ha ha!! Erm, that WAS a joke by the way!!!!!

As for you, the mysterious Mr 'F' - you should KNOW, you are in fact interestingly weird!!!