Yesterday started off SO well - I was still on a high from Saturday night and nothing could get me down!

Ha!!! Well, first of all Mark got me very very very down. Honestly, I have never known anyone as selfish as the guy I am still officially married to! He doesn't listen, he pre-empts everything he THINKS I'm going to say - he's not happy with ANY arrangements unless they are on HIS terms...........he's a wanker! A selfish lying cheating wanker at that.

But that's all becoming par for the course now, so I'm not going to dwell on how much I don't know the man I spent 5 years with and how he's turned into a complete cock - that's all another story - I just now feel sorry for the daft tart he's been cheating on! I bet she's been well reeled in!

Anywho......I was accused by mail by someone yesterday of snogging her boyfriend on Saturday night!!!!! Me!!! Snogging someone's boyfriend!!! On Saturday night!!! Erm, I believe the words in my diary were actually "I didn't cop off" - and that is the honest truth! Actually, I did snog one, but she hasn't got a girlfriend and it was mainly for the camera anyway! She IS a good snog tho - LOL!!! Anyway - this is going to sound really crap, but as I am generally pretty nice and decent to people, I'm not actually used to being had a go at! I know, I know, I get it off Mark all the time, but that's different - that's a relationship, well, a non-relationship now, but you know what I mean. I mean I'm not used to people that I hardly know, especially, having a go at me........and as a consequence of that, I don't really know how to handle it.

I was SO upset last night, so badly upset and hurt that someone would want to be nasty, adn the thought that I had been manipulated somewhat just upset me even more. On top of this, obviously the past few weeks have been VERY stressful for me - I've barely made it through with my sanity so far this year. I have been craving SOME kind of stability - be it at work (which is all up in the air), at home (which is a building site), financially (which is crippling me), relationshipwise (which I am not handling very well just now) - I've been trying to put a brave face on it all when I've really felt like crumbling inside.

Nastiness doesn't sit well with me. I take it very VERY personally. And I suddenly felt very very alone again. I just wanted someone (yeah, OK a man) that I could tell my woes to who cared about me and would make all the right noises. I wanted to talk to someone who would make me smile, and feel that I was a pretty decent human being - who would make me laugh and feel good about myself and just negate all the bad vibes.

I actually wanted to talk to Trainer. I got as far as writing him a text message, but thought better of it and stopped it from going. Instead, I went to bed and cried myself to sleep.

Well, that was last night - this morning, I looked at the message and I thought "Fuck it" and just sent it! He replied within seconds. After 2 more messages, he told me to ring him if I wanted to talk. I said "Probably", he said "What's all this probably business, behave yourself and ring". So I did.

I've spoken to him 5 times today now. I have SO missed the banter, I really have. I don't feel any less stressed, I don't feel any less upset that somebody was unwarrantedly nasty to me. I still feel like crying, I still don't want to be at home, I still don't want to be at work, BUT I did get a smile put on my face every time I got a text, or heard his voice. And that was something I needed.

Am I mad? Yes, probably - but at the moment, it's working for me!