I'm not really sure where to start with my account of the past couple of days. It has been SO weird, but really, deep down, nothing has happened - nothing has changed and my hope for enlightenment has gone unheeded!

So.......Oink DID come round on tuesday night, wasn't quite as planned, but even better. He was meant to meet me in my local at 8.30/9.00 and actually turned up early and ended up coming to mine instead.

I felt pretty well normal with him straight away..........we get on really well. we chatted, took the piss out of the telly, talked inane bollocks (my favourite subject), went and got a kebab, chatted more and then after about 3 1/2 hours he had to go cos it takes him about 2 hours to get home and he had to start early the next day.

We said NOTHING at all on the subject of what the hell was going on between us. Nothing. We both managed to avoid it quite well. Whenever we almost touched it, one of us would make a joke and take us back out of that area. It's always the way and I still don't know whether it's because there's nothing really there or because we're just gonna be good mates or because neither of us is too sure of what we want or even ready for it! it is SO confusing!!!

I am really pleased that I met him though, it's a least made it so that I know that we get on well 'in real life', and that he's not totally different to how I was expecting, and that he IS the person in his pics and everything. I really like him. I DO really really like him. But, as I said, I still can't work out in what way.

When he left, I said goodbye to him at the door and he walked down the path, and then he turned back and just came and gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Which was really sweet. We then had a text conversation, which was about normal for us that again, brushed on certain topics, but had no real meaning or depth.

Him: If you fancy going to bed, I can turn round.

Me: Going to bed????

Him: Yeah. Oral maybe. You have 10 minutes to make a decision.

Me: I told you I wouldn't shag you - that includes oral

Him: Cool. I'm lost already.

Me: It only takes 5 minutes to get on the motorway - how can you be lost???

And this is a normal conversation for us, because we say these things without really meaning it. He even said yesterday that if I HAD said yes, he probably wouldn't have contacted me again. But he KNEW I wouldn't say yes so he felt safe saying it! As a joke!

So this is the kind of 'relationship' I have with Oink. But then he rang me when he got home, he emailed me all day yesterday, texted me last night and then rang me. I know that he really gets a kick out of talking to me, winding me up, playing me at my own game etc...........DOES it go deeper than that though, this is what I think maybe BOTH of us have to work out.

And I need to work out what I think for myself AND The Fox of course, cos none of this is fair on him. He took the afternoon off work yesterday so that we could talk things through. I just feel so crap that nothing has changed.....but he told me that he actually feels better as I think he thought I would meet Oink, fall madly in love with him and run away forever. And I haven't. And neither of us can quite work out what that might mean.

I need to get my head sorted!!!!