I haven't written for ages as my emotions (and health actuallyh) have been doing a total roller-coatser for quite a while. Today, it's not sorted, it just seems to have got even worse, and I want to get this out and somewhere that I can read it before I forget how I'm feeling right now.

I finished with The Sailor some time ago - it was simply too far to travel and he was crap at communictaing (remember how long I went before I even knew that he liked me!!). I told him that I could have dealt with one or the other, but both was impossible. He fully understood.

To be quite honest, I only slept with him on that one occasion. And things got a bit 'odd' and confusing with me and The Fox. We just didn't seem to be able to stop seeing each other. It was all getting a bit clandestine as he was supposedly seeing someone else.

This was even more crap for a few reason: (1) one of the reasons he told me it wouldn't work with The Sailor was the distance, and yet she lived in near enough the same place (2) She didn't want anyone else to know that they were seeing each other (3) I knew of a couple of other people that she was still having quite intimate conversations with (4) when we all met up, she totally blanked him which was well out of order cos at the time, his mate was chatting up another bird and he couldn't talk to me cos she could have got the hump, which left him with noone close to talk to. What was worse, at that 'meet', we had just spent a lot of time together and had been in a B&B the night before, and yet we couldn't let on to anyone. That was when we decided we definitely wanted to give it another go.

So we did........we both finished it with our respective 'not-exactly-partners' and got on with it.

And it was very nice.

Until last week when things went a bit pear-shaped, but I'm not altogether sure why. And what's more - it wasn't from MY insecurities that they came, although I am 95% sure that he had been readin some of my emails - mainly a couple from Oink, which SHOULDN'T have bothered him, but may have done.

Anyway - that's all irrelevant - well, MOSTLY irrelevant. Something has happened that has never happened to me ever. I am having to deal with a 'feeling' that I have never encountered before. I think he could be cheating on me.

Well, I think he might have done yesterday anyway.

It could just be a series of coincidences, but in my drunken haze last night, I put it all to my mate, and she just looked at me and said 'Well, the odds definitely don't sound good'.

I'm not sure how I feel about it and I'm nto sure how to deal with it. i don't know whether to confront him and I don't know what my reaction would be if he admitted it. Likewise, I don't know what my reaction would be if he denied it!!! I'm not sure whether I would believe him or not.

When I think back on some of the guys I've gone out with - especially Paul, Mark and C, never once did I have any reason to believe that they had cheated on me - and they're known for it!!! It makes me laugh to think that the first time I've felt this is with The Fox - he seems the most unlikely suspect ever. But there you go.....that's what I'm thinking.

As I say - I haven't really got much to base it on, just a gut instinct and a series of coincidences last night. And to be honest, if he has, good luck to him. Fair play on the guy to get one over on me like that. I COULD probably forgive him, unless it WAS that girl - cos when she was somewhere I was last week, she acted like a right fucking prat! One of my mates thought she was severley racist or soemthing cos she kept looking over our way while we were chatting, and I had to explain that actually it was ME she was giving the evil eye to.

Anyway - I feel better for getting that off my chest. He'll be here in a couple of hours, and I can suss out what I think then. As I said, I could be thinking completely wrong. But that doesn't OFTEN happen! ;)