Well, I'm starting to feel SLIGHTLY better to what I have been the past few days, and definitely not QUITE as 'sullen' as I did in my last entry.

There have been all sorts of things going on in my life - a lot of which I haven't wanted to dwell on really But I've noticed that the biggest thing is that I haven't really had anyone that I've felt I can really talk to about it.

I've been dead lonely.

Yeah, I've got The Fox, and he's unexpectedly good at talking for a bloke. But if he's part of the problem, who am I suppsed to talk to? And he has actually stopped talking to me so much, which is part of the problem I guess.

I don't think he can handle it if I'm not my normal bouncy gung-ho self. I don't usually let people see the other side of me, cos it isn't usually there, but obviously he's a hell of a lot closer to me than most people, so I thought I could just be myself with him.

Now I'm not so sure.

I was ill a few weeks ago, and I think this is when this feeling all started really, and I haven't quite shaken it yet. And that was when he started acting 'distant' towards me. Then, I had the munchkin's birthday to organise and was pretty upbeat about that, and a couple of other things happened as well, and everything was fine between us. Then I slipped back into the greyness again. Even more so, I have consciously taken a step back from the website that I've been going on for nearly a year now that I met him and a lot of my other currently close friends from. Since I did this, he has definitely taken a step back from me.

Why do people do things so obviously but not talk about it? It makes it even more difficult cos then the person 'left behind' isn't actually sure whether it's really happening or whether they're just being paranoid!

God, I'm making myself sound really bleak at the moment, and I'm not, honestly............if I didn't say anything to anyone, they probably wouldn't notice my change in outlook / attitude at the moment. In fact, I have joined another 'community' site made by someone I've met on my net travels, and I have slipped in and it fits liek a glove! :)

The main 'clique' are VERY friendly, and cos there's no 'dating undertones' the conversations are frank, open, honest and there's no subtext to what's going on. It's like a breath of fresh air :) I've really been enjoying it. I NEED an online community like that as I don't really get that much of a chance to go out and I am a social sponge - I NEED people to survive! And if I can't get out to meet them, then they have to be brought directly to me! Hence why I am on the net so much.

I've got a big do with all the ones of the normal site tonight - I HUGE do. And I don't want to go. The whole experience has been tainted and leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I was made to feel awkward the past couple of times we've met up - and I HATE that. i know that it wouldn't be so bad tonight as I will have my closest mate with me AND The Fox...........well, maybe.........but the damage has been done. The experience has lost it's fun and perfection and light-heartedness. It's been spoilt. I wasn't going to go, but I had promised Chel and she only came out of hospital yesterday. And also it's Tony's birthday bash. And another of my mates keeps ringing me to check that I'm going, LOL! Mayube I'll make this the last, and then cut myself off from the site altogether.

It will make it easier then if The Fox does dump me. Make it easier for him too. I might still go on but just not take an active part.

Oh God I sound boring, crap and bitter, butr I really really am not, LOL, it's making me laugh looking over how this reads, but I really can't be arsed to change it! I HAVE been having fun, it's just that I've also felt rather sad.

I got Googled for '"Lorna's big tits" yesterday, which made me wonder how they knew.....but during the week I got the best one - "Munchkin sailor", I mean, I KNOW why my diary came up, but what the hell were they looking for??????? ;)