Well, I had a few messages from people yesterday, asking whether I had split up with The Fox. And I haven't, well, we haven't, at least not at the moment, really.

Things haven't really changed since this entry, when he told me that he didn't really know how he was feeling about stuff etc etc etc. He still doesn't know, and he still seems to feel that 'something' should be happening, and that our relationship seems more full of routine stuff than he was expecting.

My life IS routine. I DO have a pretty bloody boring life. THAT is what being a single parent, working full time is all about. Dull, monotonous, routine, and (thanks to Mark) full of uncertainty and totally unplannable.

Now, The Fox doesn't have to be part of that. He has the choice to walk away. I don't. we are bloody lucky to have what I thoguht we had. A good relatinship, no arguments, understanding, passion, fun, equal footing and open-mindedness. After chasing me for so long, it seems that he wants MORE than that. and I can't give it to him.

I can't give him spontanaeity, I can't give him the complete me, because that belongs to the munchkin, and quite rightly I believe.

This is the man who really DOES want to settle down, and have a family and live happily ever after, or so he's always said. If THAT isn't a life full of routine, I don't know what is! i think he's only just startign to realise that, and it's hit him hard. He's never known that you have to put effort into a relationship to make it work, no matter how good it is.

Now, I have no idea how I'm going to feel about him tomorrow, next week, next month, next year or for the rest of my life. I can't sit here and say "Yes, this is the man I want to spend all my time with, forever." I just know that given the choice, at the moment, I'd rather be with him, than not. And for me, at present, that's enough. But maybe it isn't for him. In which case, it WILL end. And I will feel most put out about that as I have been enjoying it and think it would be rather a waste.

Ok, so he's not 'my type' as a few people have said to me, hell, as I've said time and again, but, it's been working (or at least I thoguht it had), so why break it?

I have been particularly proud of myself lately actually as I haven't felt the urge to 'wander' and I have actually had quite a few opportunities presented to me. these things always come in threes, don't they? Well, I had C make his offer when he came round a couple of weeks ago, which I turned down, and told him to grow up and be a mate, which he did, and I was very pleased about. then K got in touch again, and has been very attentive for some obscure reason, which has been mildly amusing and then my cute kitchen fitter has been chatting to me a lot again, which has been cool as he is very funny. As you may remember from the fridge magnet incident!

And it's all been nice, and flattering.......and for some reason I have been getting a lot of attention walking down the road again, which again has been really flattering and a total ego boost...........but I haven't even been tempted.

I'm happy as I am at the moment. I don't want to lose that. But maybe that's not enough.

What should I DO??????? All help and suggestions gratefully received - just leave a comment!

Desperate, of the East End xxxx