I'm going to be leaving soon to go to London Zoo with the munchkin, this girl, her kids, and stray kids that she picks up along the way, LOL.

Yesterday, I did something that made life awkward for me for a while.

As I always say, I love The Northerner to pieces. That doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It isn't. But it's a hell of a lot more sparky and perfect than any other relationship I've had, other than Paul. The problem I have is that, being 'in love' with him, I find it difficult to confront him when I'm not happy as I don't want him to think I'm stupid, girlie, or that his estimation of me lowers. So, I sit on things and stew and get moody instead. Which of course is FAR better! hmph!

So, yesterday morning, I decided to send him a lengthy email, telling him everything I was feeling about certain issues and stuff, thinking "Well, this is easier cos I can get it all out, and I don't have to look at his face and see any disappointment!"

I sent it off to him about 8.30am. At about 10.30, I got a text from him sayong "Do you want to meet up for lunch babe? xxx" And I KNEW he hadn't seen the mail, so I had a bit of a dilemma. I didn't want to agree to meet him, and then him go and read the email and then say "Why didn't you tell me this before...etc". So I left it about an hour and then just sent back "I'm not at work today" which I wasn't.

I sat there far nearly another hour, waiting for his response, thinking "If he writes back and says, OK lets go to lunch then, I'll tell him to check his email first". Then suddenly, I heard his key in the door. I was mortified. I didn't know what to say. He was all lovely and normal and chatty, and I was sat there struck dumb (which is NOT like me!).

So, while we were at lunch, we were sitting in a big squidgy sofa drinking beer and I said "I'm having a bit of a problem with this as I've sent you a really long email laying myself bare, and you obviously haven't read it and now I don't know how to act". He said "What's in the email then" and I rolled my eyes and said "If I could just say it up front to you, i wouldn't have needed to resort to sending you an email, would I!!!".

A bit later on, after telling him how Mark had upset me the day before, he said something along the lines of "Well, unless yur email was telling me to fuck off and that you never wanted to see me again, which I doubt cos you're here, I want you to know that I want to be here, always, for you and the munchkin". And I felt guilty.

When we got to mine, I was busting for a wee, and then went and put the rubbish out and sorted something else, and he came up to me all sheepish and said "I've been a selfish wanker, haven't I?" and I was like "What are you on about? What have you done?" and he said "I've just read the email." And that was SO wrong - he shouldn't have read it while I was there, should he?? I was totally embaressed.

BUT. It worked. We talked through a few things. He said he's not going to lose me, that he'll buck his ideas up, and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. But *I* have to learn to talk.

How can the biggest gob in the universe have trouble talking??? I am SUCH a nob!!!

Anyway.........I guess I'd better get dressed. Don't wanna scare the monkeys!