I'm not really sure why, but the past couple of days, I've been dwelling on the past, relationships, my life, what I want, men, friends, everything.......and when I do that, I find reading back over my own diary quite a help as sometimes I forget just how I felt 'at the time', rather than how I feel about subjects now.

Actually, I think I DO know why I've been feeling that way - it's been a very emotional week for me. On Monday, I finally went to the solicitor and started divorce proceedings, later that day, one of my closest friends had a major major family crisis, that I have got quite caught up in, trying to see her through it, I also had my 6 month anniversary with The Fox AND I have changed back to my maiden name. I have had a few exes / old lurve interests contact me in the past week too for some odd reason, and it's all made me try to make some sort of assessment of where I am.

This time last year, things were COMPLETELY different. I can't quite work out whether I'm feeling better than I was then or not. So much has happened, and I guess I've actually come quite a long way from then, and I've found myself in a relationship that I'm happy to be in at the moment. I think people read me wrong a lot of the time and that bothers me. I know that as a general rule, I don't give a fuck what people think abotu me, but sometimes, I wonder where it is that I give off the wrong vibes.

See - even now, I'm reading this and thinking 'People are going to read this and think I'm feeling down' and I'm not. Not really.

I even think that The Fox takes me the wrong way. he seems to be under the impression that I know exactly where our relationship is going and what I want from it, but to be quite honest, until he mentioned thinking about the future when he was having second thoughts, I'd not even contemplated it. Now I can't stop thinking about it - and I don't think that's helped my state of mind as I don't know WHAT to think.

Most of the time (when I'm not with him), I fluctuate between missing him and wondering what the hell I'm doing in a relationship. Part of me wants to run off and be wild and shag every bloke that pays me a compliment, never 'settle down' and never have to worry about anyone's feelings. Another part of me is fed up with waking up alone in the morning, bored with living alone, wants desparately to have another child and wants to be part of a boring, stable family unit.

A large part of me is worried about losing my identity if I ever had that again. there's so much I like about myself, about my life, about the way I do things, the way I handle things, and I have lost that for one reason or the other every time I've been in a long-term relationship.

Maybe that is one of the reasons I fight against having a proper 'normal' relationship with The Fox. Cos we don't really. I never take for granted that I will see him - I let him decide when he wants to see me, and fit in around that if I can. We never really make plans, don't really discuss anything in the future. We just live day by day. I like that in one way as it means I don't feel 'tied' and feel free to do as I like, and make my own arrangements and not worry about anyone else, but then sometimes I feel sad about it because I DON'T feel 'tied' which means I don't really belong to / with him.

So there's this huge part of me that wants to 'belong'. When I'm with him, I love it. I love being part of what we have.

I guess I want the best of both worlds, which is what I thought I was going to get with Mark when we were first together. I thought that we would be able to live together, be there for each other as support and commitment, and yet still continue our own lives, with no reproach from the other.

It would have been idyllic if he hadn't just given up having any life outside me, the munchkin & work. If he was never going out and doing anything, it made it difficult for me to as then I'd feel guilty. that was never going to work, and yet, that is what I most want. I want to share my life with someone, but I want a life to be able to share with them! I don't want to become a secular family where nothing outside our unit exists. And THAT is what I keep striving for I guess, that is my goal. But the 'sharing my life with someone' part is a very important part of that, and I don't think that is something The Fox wants really.

But (being a couple), we don't talk. How could I approach the subject without him panicking cos he thinks I'm asking him to marry me or something?

This entry hasn't been what I meant it to be - but it's cleared a lot fo stuff up in my head, so I'm going to leave it as it is and do my 'man catch-up' entry tomorrow. I've had a few people ask me 'Whatever happened to XXX' and I thought I'd give a brief little account of each guy I've mentioned in my diary over the past year or so!

If anyone has any insights into my life - PLEASE leave a comment cos I'd love to know!!!! :-D